I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
