also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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