if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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