Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you had me at cake vodka
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
