I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
