Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
