someone owes me an orgasm
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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