i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
