I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
