I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
