Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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