I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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