did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
