dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
