dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
