I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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