I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
