Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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