Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
