wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
