I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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