Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize