I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
