I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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