his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
