My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
