I wanna passion pit in your ass
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
