so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
