Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your penis caused this!
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