I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
