he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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