U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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