I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
