i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
