I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
