your parents love me but you hate me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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