I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
