Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
