You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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