Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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