Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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