I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize