i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
