I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
