I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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