I smell stomach acid.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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