Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
