I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."