She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?