just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.