so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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