Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
