the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
