My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
