i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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